fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
