This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
