420 ftw
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
