I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
