love makes seman taste better
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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