After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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