You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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