Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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