The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
