Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
