peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
