Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Randomize
