I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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