my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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