shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
