There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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