Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
