btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
