I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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