I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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