My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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