Nicole vs. Life
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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