Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
and you fell through a lawn chair
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
