Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
