the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
