she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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