i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
