positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
