How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
