He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
