I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
