I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
