This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
