he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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