I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
