HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
