You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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