Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
