the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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