I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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