a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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