hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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