I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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