My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
