I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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