Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
