Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
