Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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