the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
