If i come over, it means nothing
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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