I don't usually arrange sex via text message
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
