i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
