he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
