Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
