just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
