is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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