Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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