my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
