wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
