wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
