you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
