i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
