I have demons in me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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